did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
