she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
