Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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