I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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