Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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