people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
