i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
