Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
