my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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