My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
