Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
