So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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