i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
