So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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