first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
