Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Everything about him screamed your future.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
