Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
