I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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