Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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