Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
