it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
