There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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