She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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