I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize