Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
