I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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