i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
