every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He shit in the fireplace
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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