In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
