As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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