I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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