I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
