"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
