i don't like sucking hair
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
