New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
