matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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