Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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