It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
