i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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