Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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