i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize