Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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