She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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