Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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