If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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