Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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