Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
