Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
