last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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