Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
