Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize