so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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