so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
