and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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