you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
