From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
