Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
