This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
