You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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