if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize