is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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