i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
