She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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