I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Randomize
