New low: just hacked my moms facebook
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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